Al From Dadeville

So he's an Alabama football fan who has poisoned a grove of trees on the campus of ultra-rival Auburn University.  These trees are more than 100 years old and they are an important venue for the cult worship of the Orange and Blue version of SEC football.  It was a pre-meditated crime carried out by stealth, one for which he would not have been abducted except that he called a sports radio show and bragged about it.

He could get ten years (I imagine it's what they would call a felony criminal mischief in my part of the country) in prison.   On a sports podcast I favor, The Solid Verbal, there was talk about, instead of him going to prison, having him clean up what is a small super fund site (the soil is contaminated and apparently has to be hauled away and replaced), replant the trees and then nurture them--all under the watchful eyes of the Auburn students.

One of hosts of this podcast said that would amount to justice, more than locking up a 62 year old man for a decade, but doubted that Al would do it.  He'd rather go to jail.

So, I wonder about that.  I do think ten years in prison is fine for killing trees--but, hey, I'm from Oregon.  We love trees up here and cut them into cookies with chainsaws to celebrate futbol goals.  ("We're the Timbers Army, Who are you?)

I like the idea Al from Dadeville (a former Texas Ranger--what position do you suppose he played?) spending the rest of his days cultivating a new copse of trees on the Auburn campus although I think wearing an orange jumpsuit would be the best attire--it's a double entendre for a convicted felon paying dues under the watchful eye of the War Eagle.  (The War Eagle?  What do you suppose porn looks like, down there?)

Maybe he would refuse.  

Well, OK.  Suppose he did.

Here's the deal, Al.  Do the trees or go to an Alabama prison (do you know how many of them there are?  Google it) and in that Alabama prison your cellee will be the biggest baddest Auburn fan in the joint.  I am sure that it would be easy to find an appropriate candidate in any of the many of those fine institutions. In fact, I wouldn't doubt it if I were told that the Auburn football fans in prisons have a rooting clubs they call the "Double Oranges." (Orange prison jumpsuits, Orange Auburn colors)

Perhaps, Al, your cellees could be rotated in weekly.  I am sure the "DO's" would compete for a week long slumber party with you.  (Jeez, maybe someday it would be some guy close to your own age named Newton.) 

I guess, Al, we could actually put you up in that same kind of system in that women's prison near Montgomery.  A new female cellee every week--each of them an Auburn fan, each of them a convicted felon.  There's a lot of beautiful women in the state of Alabam' (been there and know it to be true) but I'm betting there are women in prison there who could kick Nick Fairly's ass and call it breakfast. Just for you, Al. 

Somehow I'm thinking that to Al from Dadeville a little OJT forestry degree would look like the better alternative.  But, hey, that's just me.  I didn't name my kids "Bear" and "Crimson," like he did.  Either choice he made seems like justice, to me.